Big A vs. Little A

As I sit here writing this blog post I can't help but smile a little at the irony of this moment and all the ingredients that will go into what I am about to share with you.

Whats got me feeling amused? Well...I had to return a gift from a dear friend and when I went to the store I found out I had to exchange my item, a total refund wasn't an option. I took my time exploring the store, slowly getting discouraged; you see nothing was catching my eye UNTIL I discovered the clearance racks! With renewed hope I began to flip thru the hangers of clothing that had found there way to this section of the store, and then it happened...I spotted a sweatshirt that immediately made my heart sing. Why? What made this so special? In addition to having a vintage vibe, the material looked as though it had naturally aged but the piece de resistance was the image that adorned the front of the shirt; it was a beautiful horse. I know you didn't register for my blog to read about my shopping experiences, hang in there we are about to get to the good stuff😉

Recently I discussed the concept of big "A" authenticity versus little "a" authenticity on my social media platforms as it relates to my art practice and also my life as a whole. This is where what I just told you about the sweat shirt becomes a part of the bigger narrative. You see, the shirt, in addition to having an inspiring image on it had script, what did it say you ask? "Budweiser, King of Beers". If you know me you might be reacting to what you just read, I get it, I felt the same way. Okay for those of you who don't know me that well yet, I don't drink and when I did drink, back in the day, I didn't drink beer. Yuck! Nothing about the beverage is appealing to me. It is because of this that I stood in the back in the store, sweatshirt in hand having an internal battle with myself, to buy or not to buy? The answer? Well, I am wearing it now as I write this blog.

The pursuit of big "A" authenticity is all about me embracing the things that bring me joy (within reason of course). To create art that comes from a place of big "A" authenticity, being void of restraints, shoulda, coulda, woulda and judgement, the list goes on. Does this mean my work up until now hasn't been authentic? Have I not been authentic? No, I'm not saying that, this is where the differentiation comes into play, the big vs. the small.

When I paint from a place of big "A" authenticity I am not trying to force the outcome, I set aside my expectations, I explore, I risk, I play and I eagerly await to see what evolves, then I respond. Creating in this way feels more relaxed, I don't hold tension in my body and I am able to experience joy in the process because I am focusing on the colours, marks and concepts that feel most authentic and freeing and less on the outcome. As an artist it is difficult to balance what other people like with what brings YOU the most happiness. There are certain styles of paintings I have made that garner a lot of praise and admiration yet for me, they fall short of being a true representation of who I am because I know I was exerting pressure and control on myself to make the paintings look a certain way. I want to live in that space of having a vision whilst also being open to, and ready for, whatever else may be on the horizon. A letting go of the need to control, the perfectionism that sucks the joy out of the process and leaves me feeling exhausted, and not in a good way.

You see, there is more to the sweatshirt than what I have told you. Its really about me giving myself permission to like it, regardless of what someone else may think. Its silencing the inner critic that wants to keep me bound up in chains pleasing others, conforming, morphing, twisting and turning into a version of myself that other people feel more comfortable, someone who perhaps will be more acceptable versus making the choices that bring me the most joy and letting the rest simply fade away. Its big "A" vs. little "a".

My focus for 2025 is Freedom, and like every intention I have set up until now, the theme plays out in all areas of my life, not just in the art studio. Be careful what you wish for! The moral of the story? Be careful what you wish for.

Here she is...

Until next time,

Char

P.S. live your big "A" life😉